“In a world where you can be anything, be kind.”
This quote is literally everywhere – on T-shirts, on posters, on bumper stickers. It is plastered on school bulletin boards, and children are constantly being told to “be kind”.
Yet “kind” can sometimes not be “kind” at all — by definition, it can be divisive — the exact opposite of what someone who identifies as being “kind” wants to portray themselves as being.
Wait. How can that be?
When used as an adjective to describe someone, “kind” means: “of a sympathetic nature or helpful nature”. When used as a noun, it means: “a group united by common traits or interests”.
The more I thought about it, this second definition is really what “kind” means to so many who preach “kindness”. To them, it means to act in a way that puts you in a group united by the common traits or interests of those who deem themselves to be kind.
In other words, they are kind to their own kind.
Once upon a time, this worked. For the most part, everyone you knew identified in the same way, and they held the same beliefs, morals, and values.
Today we live in a diverse and exciting world – one that has been opened up through advances in communication and social media. And “kind” no longer works.
Why?
Kind is subjective. It tends to be completely owned by the person, and it is subject to their definition of what “kind” is; again, relative to their community of people.
Respect is objective. It looks at the situation from both your own perspective and the perspective of the person or situation you are dealing with. And these can often be polar opposites.
Respect also applies to ALL situations, whereas kindness does not. Let’s look at the example of a bull in a bullfight.
No matter how kind you are to the bull – no matter if you are a vegetarian and not intent on harming him – nine times out of 10 he will charge at you because that’s what bulls in a bullfight are trained to do. You can be kind all you want, but until you respect his power and position and learn to think like a bull, you won’t come out of there alive. Bullfighters respect the bull. They aren’t “kind” to him.
Here’s another example that actually happened in our neighborhood.
Without playground nearby, kids play all day every day on the street. An elderly couple pointed out to parents that not only was this dangerous, but noisy and disruptive. The parents immediately told the elderly couple that they should not have chosen to live in this “kind” of neighborhood if they didn’t want to hear children playing all day every day. They accused the elderly couple of being mean-spirited and not “kind” ... not their kind of kind, anyway.
Had the parents ROLLed with it, they would have seen it differently. From a foundation of respect for themselves and others, they would have kept an open mind and considered all sides. They would have listened and learned all they could and then negotiated a compromise or workable solution. Instead, they accused the elderly couple of not being “kind” with the only recourse being for them to leave. What they mean is that they aren’t their kind of “kind”!
I hope that by making this slight shift in perspective, you can help you teach your children that it’s not about being “kind” it’s about being respectful and looking for solutions and not dead-end ultimatums.
Let’s teach our children to be respectful, take responsibility and follow the rules; all the while keeping our minds objectively open; our ears and our eyes listening and our minds open to learning all we can.
Let’s ROLL with it!
Just ROLL!
So just how does one ROLL?
Just as the letters R-O-L-L follow one another, so too do the concepts:
R = Respect
Respect yourself first and foremost. Cultivate strong beliefs, values and morals. Respect others and the environment. Take responsibility for your thoughts and actions. Follow the rules.
O =Open mindedness
Keep an objective, open mind towards yourself and others for optimal options and outcomes. Secure in your own shoes, you’re better able to respect the road someone else is walking.
L = Listen
Give undivided attention in all your interactions. Resist interrupting. Listen with your ears and your eyes. Listen to expand your knowledge. Listen to ask questions.
L = Learn
Learn something new every day about yourself, others, and your environment or situation. Learn to look for and respect both the positive and the negative.
If you commit to ROLLing every day, and in every situation, you will see how building healthy and happy relationships is not only possible, but easy to achieve.
About Sue Marguerite
Creator of the ROLL system, author of the children’s book “ROLL with It!”, and advocate for the WAR ON KINDNESS.
The whole “Be Kind” movement has always baffled me. Perhaps this is because I have spent the last three decades living in Hong Kong with my Chinese husband and his family. In Cantonese, there is no usual, common way of saying someone acts in a way that is “nice” or “kind” (the word exists, it’s just not used that often, if at all). You can say you treat someone well, or that someone is a good person, but “be kind” is not something you hear or is taught to children. Respect, however, is something every child learns, and especially respect for family.
I devised the “ROLL” system after another long day of homeschooling my strong-willed child. As usual, I ended the day wondering why she couldn't just go with the flow, take life easy, roll with it?
At the time, we were working on an exercise where you take your first name and write a word for every letter. So I started thinking about the word ‘roll’ and how rolling made everything easier...faster...more fun. Could the letters in "roll" be the key to building a strong, healthy, and happy relationship with her?
“R” could stand for respect, responsibility, rules.
“O” could stand for keeping an open and objective mind.
“L” could stand for listening with your ears and your eyes.
“L” could also stand for learning to see things in new and different ways.
I began ROLLing with it and noticed that things began to change. When she realized that I stood firm in respecting myself and my boundaries; when I began respecting her for the same; when we started listening to each other and learning about each other. It wasn’t overnight, and there are still times of struggle, but remembering to ROLL with it helps every single time.
After seeing real results with my daughter, I wrote about the ROLL system in a blogpost in 2013 (www.thehardestbattle.com).
In 2019, I published “ROLL With It!”, a picture book aimed at children aged 3-6 that is available on amazon at www.justroll.co.
In 2021, I began visiting schools and speaking out about how anyone can build strong, healthy and happy relationships by ROLLing with it!
I would love to hear how ROLLing with it has helped you build healthy and happy relationships with your children, your spouse, your colleagues – basically anyone or any environment you find yourself in.
You can reach me on Instagram and Facebook @justrollwithsuemarguerite. You can also find me on YouTube @JustROLL. Or send me an email at justroll128@gmail.com.
Happy ROLLing!
Sue Marguerite
PS. Remember to get your own copy of “ROLL with It!” for the little one in your life at www.justroll.co.