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If you are relying on kindness to get you through life, you will always be frustrated and upset, and your relationships will suffer – guaranteed.
When we habitually do something wrong or that is against stated policy or rules, it’s easy to go ROLLing right off the track. This happens when we SAY we’re going to stick to “R”espect, “R”esponsibility and “R”ules; keeping an “O”pen mind, “L”istening and “L”earning, but in reality, we’re hoping against hope that the situation or person will “be kind” and let us off the hook.
We might get away with it once or twice; and if the “kindness” continues, we begin to get quite comfortable and think it’s the norm. But then we meet someone who holds us accountable, and we’re left thinking the world is against us; everyone hates us, and “why me?”. The worst part is that relationships inevitably suffer and are often irreparable.
This behavior can be especially damaging for children; and it is why the slogan “choose kindness” (see last Monday’s blog) must never ever EVER be interpreted as “letting them be wrong” and “letting them off the hook”.
Children must be taught not to become reliant on kindness, but instead to ROLL with it by taking responsibility for their actions each and every time. Only by doing this will they be able to solidify self-control and self-respect and be able to build healthy and happy relationships.
Of course, when you ROLL with it, you CAN ask for, accept, and appreciate kindness, but you never RELY on kindness. You are grateful when others show kindness, but do not expect it will happen every time, nor do you expect it will continue once granted.
Don’t be “The Boy Who Cried Wolf”
This reliance on kindness always reminds me of the Aesop’s Fable, The Boy Who Cried Wolf. The boy is a shepherd who is bored and cries wolf, just to see the townspeople come running. He is quite entertained and does this a few times. Then it so happens that there really IS a wolf. He cries again, but this time, no one comes to help him, and his sheep are eaten by the wolf. The moral of the story being to always tell the truth and only cry for help when needed, as there is a limit to people’s kindness and willingness to help.
While people may not “cry wolf” out of boredom, they will cry wolf in other ways:
Consider the student who always has an excuse for not turning in homework and the teacher allows the student to turn it in late or do other work, or even allows the student to not do it at all – all out of “kindness, empathy and understanding” for whatever situation the student is going through. Instead, the teacher should find a workable solution so that responsibilities are met; rules are respected, and the student continues to learn.
Or take the example of a coworker who habitually asks off from work with little regard for others who must cover her shift. This type of behavior is not against company policy but her supervisors do have the ability to give her written warnings. However, out of kindness and empathy for her personal situation, they have not done so. Relying on their kindness, she continues taking advantage of the situation until resentment from her colleagues boils over and they refuse to continue covering her shift.
At this point, her supervisor is forced to not only give her the warnings but monitor her future leave requests. She is upset and understandably so. She wonders how her supervisor could have gone from being so kind and understanding to being so horrible and unkind?
She goes to talk to her supervisor. She admits having taken advantage of the system and not applying for leave properly, BUT why is everyone so mean and disrespectful about it? Why can’t they understand her situation? Why can’t they see that now she is in a real bind, having used up all her leave, yet still needing more for sick days and other family issues. She claims to LOVE her job – can’t they see that? If she could be here at her job, she would! Excuse follows excuse and soon she breaks down in tears at how unkind and unjust it all is.
A ROLLer would immediately see that the focus is incorrectly placed on “kind/unkind” when it should be on responsibility. Once that is established, a workable solution can then be found – one that can be respected by all.
ROLL by not relying on kindness
If the supervisor had ROLLed with it, the coworker would have been stopped after admitting responsibility. The supervisor would have then said something like:
(Respect/Responsibility) I’m glad to hear you’re accepting responsibility for your actions. They are what caused this situation in the first place. However, I also take responsibility for contributing to it by extending kindness to you one too many times and not holding you more accountable.
(Open Mind for Optimal Options and Outcomes) We realise you have a challenging situation at home. Let’s think open-mindedly about how we can ensure you are coming to work when required. Let’s consider not only your perspective, but also that of your colleagues, our customers, and the company to reach an optimal outcome.
(Listen): Carefully consider all options, listening for underlying, unspoken reasons for her behavior and addressing them as needed.
(Learn): The employee will have a greater understanding of what is expected going forward and both will have learned how to problem solve so that goals for the company and for the employee are met.
Choose to ROLL with it!
By ROLLing with it, you commit to working on respecting yourself, others and your environment; taking responsibility for your actions; following the rules. Keeping an Open Mind, Listening and Learning. In this way, your relationships will grow healthier and happier, guaranteed.
Instill in your children beliefs, morals and values that will build an unshakeable sense of self and purpose. This is what will set the foundation for healthy and happy relationships with themselves and others that will see them through tough times. Teach them to respect themselves, others and their environment. Do this by keeping an objective, open mind for optimal opportunities, options and outcomes; listening with all your senses, and learning something new every day about yourself, others and your environment.
Happy ROLLing!
Sue Marguerite
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I loved reading your article! I think the phrase, "In a world where you can be anything, be kind," is way overused. Of course we want to be kind to others, but we don't want that kindness to mask the underlying issues. The issues need to be dealt with by ROLL-ing with it, and as a result, kindness is born. I look forward to reading more articles in the future!